my penance <3

The Beginning

Nothing can prepare me. Nothing can prepare me, no matter what I do to prepare myself, I know, That nothing can prepare me. This was my mantra the entire day before arriving at Saint Josephs Peace Abbey in Spencer Massachusetts. I have been there a few times, "back in the day" I guess you could say, and it has always been a special place to me. There is something about the vast meadows, rolling hillsides and amazing architecture that just seems to always hit home.

Years ago when I made my first significant journey there I had an amazing experience that I deem as a time in my life that "began my spiritual journey". I didn't know that what I was looking for was God and I sure didn't expect that I would ever find him, or that it would take me what seems now, like lifetimes. I always confused myself with everyone else's opinion about what God is, Or who he is, Or what he has or has not done for them and I never stopped and listened to myself.

Back on that special night we that we had went.  A group of us.  We arrived like tired marching ants that go in numbers accept by automobile. We journied to  to the chapel on a cold fall evening to bestow ourselves upon the observence of the Trappists Monks. Public is welcome to their everyday ceremonies, however, they remain seperated by the Church building itself. If you're lucky enough you can catch a good sight of them while your visiting the Chapel...but it's hardly ever that you get to see any kind of action.

Feeling sorry for yourself is nothing but an excuse..

Feeling sorry for yourself never got you anywhere.

I'm such a believer. I always believe that no matter how hard it is, or what bills you have to pay.. everything will works itself out. However, there's moments where I just want to feel bad. Why is it that we do this? Why do we question things? It's just like the post before this one.. It's all black and white, it's easy, right?

They are never there for me. My parents have always been omit from my life. My mother was never the one to send me off to school with a smile and yell at me only because I forgot my lunch. She wasn't there for the birthday parties, or the coming of age discussions. My father isn't there for me now. He doesn't call. Weeks on end will pass and there will be no number or message from him on the caller ID.

Alone. I just feel alone sometimes and it makes me anxious. My knee is bouncing a thousand miles an hour right now just in attempt to give myself some sort of comfort. My thoughts are jumbled and I'm not too sure how this is going to come out - But I put the pressure on myself that it has to be perfect.

LET IT GO. Let it all go. I've done tougher things in my life then live without my parents. I've surrived a best friend dying in high school, I left my home state and moved to another with family I didn't even know, and I've gave birth to a beautiful 9 pound baby. I can do this.

I can do this. I just need to let it go. It's my path in life to be alone without the company of my parents. I'm not the only one. I guess I was blessed to have them for the moments they were there, and the moments they weren't because in everything, we grow.

Now comes acceptance.

humans.

it never ceases to amaze me.. the pure power of a human being. the power of actually LISTENING to your heart. the power of healing.

we always "look" for answers. is it here? is it there? can you answer this? that answer wasn't good enough... when the answer to all of our questions are truly in our hearts. whether they're resting in a dream or manifesting within the objects surrounding you.. we always know the answers.

it's all black and white.

you can do what you know is right - or you can convince yourself that the right is wrong. and convincing yourself that the right is wrong really takes more effort [no wonder why you're tired!] so often we ignore the ping in our heads.. the fast palpitations of our hearts or the anxiety that will consume you if you insist on listening. our heart is truly the drum of our life. everyone dances, just some dance differently.

we all have the ability to heal. put your hands on what's hurting and actually MAKE IT better. visualize positive things happening within yourself - switch off from the hurt and switch on to goodness, health, love, life.

if we all go back to our basic instincts.. the ones that we've known since we were born. the ones that alerts you when danger walks in the room, the one that tells you to slow down your fast moving car - what would our lives be like?

have you ever watched fish swimming in an aquarium? they all float on without bothering each other. without getting in the way of another space, all so different - and yet... live peacefully.

this is something that i practice everyday...living peacefully.

it would be nice to have more humans on my side.
let's live to change, live to heal, actually feel the love that we were all born with.

anxious and waiting.

i'm pacing and anxious.
should i shower or not?
do i call andy now, or wait?

cucky's gonna have a baby.

she can barely breathe through her contractions.
she's in a lot of pain -
and just thought her water broke.

this is it..
this is how miracles happen.
right in front of you -
when you least expect it.

a baby's going to be born.

<3

barefoot and purgatory.

Newport was the destination.
We packed our lunch and headed out -
Windows down with the AC blasting.
Sharing cigarettes and laughter.

As the motor whirled to a slight halt
"PURGATORY" I shouted.
He looked over, with his baseball hat
pointing straight at me and said
"You said that was the FIRST place you
wanted to take me"
And with a smile he shifted gears
turning our Ford Escort in that direction.

When we arrived the park was packed
little people and their parents wandering...
We took a leap and walked down the Chasm
"Why aren't we wearing sneakers" He asked -
And I just kept on walking.

Barefoot.

As we met with strangers climbing the same path
we took small routes and climbed up cliffs
And looked down overboard.

The sun was hot and the air was thick-
Humid to the point where you can see it
As we hiked through the Chasm
He could hardly believe it.

Jagged rocky cliffs that reach higher than the sky
And even if they really don't
it sure does seem it passing by.
Fresh water springs that run below
with mud that wants to trap you
And trees that drop colored leafs
every step or two.

We ventured to the river
the rocks were covered in moss
and tiny fogs hopped, hopped along
as if to show us their journey
and giving us a message.

We continued walking down by the river
and sat in a crystal clear pool of water
Icey coldness that wants to sting your feet
but instead you find it refreshing.

Two by two we hiked that path
getting lost along the way
Sweat pouring down our hearts
but we knew no other way.
We followed the blue dots.

Alls we had was eachother
one foot bare and one foot not
And what we really climbed that day
Was the irony in what purgatory had really taught us...

Barefoot.

Buckets are good for something.

My days have been filled - Up, Up, Up.
All of the moments wouldn't fit in a cup;
I'd need a ten gallon bucket.

And maybe even then - that wouldn't do.
But who would've knew, who would've knew?

My days have been filled - Full.

Full of happiness and pursuit.
It feels so good to go this route.

So as I grab my ten gallon bucket
I'll prepare for something greater
And yes it's true as big as it gets-
I owe it all to my creator.


[yeah, i'm in that kinda mood]

it's times like these you learn to live again <3

in the last week i have learned that cooking eggs on a campfire is classic. that spooning in a tent definitely keeps you warm. that late nights with girls that you actually forgot you LOVED so much demands a permanent spot on your "to do" list and that there's no better way to sleep then to be lulled by the ocean while you're cuddled up with the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

it's times like these that you learn to live again. it just goes to show that you don't need a fancy car.. just one that runs, is cheap on gas - and gets you were you need to go. you don't need a fancy engagement ring..just a lover that shows over-and-over again that he loves you. you don't need to spoil your child with material things.. spend a day at the ocean. and good friends are never lost.. all you have to do is get together with them.

there's no real way to express everything that i've experienced the past 10 days. i feel blessed. i am happy that these positive experiences help ME to put forward positive experiences. but when there's an up, there's always a down. and perhaps this up could last minutes, days or even months - but it could also end now.

i'm thankful.

thankful for the water that floats that boat, the fire that burns that wood to keep us warm, the perfect timing of spirit that brings together old friends and for the love that ties it all together.

<3

It's true - You win some, you lose some.

I had a great day yesterday.

Determined.

I arrived at my clients home and spoke with her for a moment. After exchanging a few words and instructions I got to work straight away. I sweat, I hurt my legs from bending a certain way and I busted my big american ass all morning long re-living the term "elbow grease".

After meeting with another new client yesterday evening - I got home and checked in with my email account. The client that I had earlier that morning had emailed me... Not once, Or twice - But THREE times.

1. "hey kara, can you call me THANKS"

2. "hey kara, the second bathroom wasn't done, could you fit it in sometime this week? THANKS"

3. "kara, i will no longer need your services i am unsatisfied with the cleaning".


My first reaction was "WHAT!? HOW COULD THIS BE!!!? RIGHT BEFORE I LEFT TODAY SHE ASKED ME TO COME BACK EVERY WEEK!!".

I worked all morning, and hard, to get a thorough cleaning done at her place in the allotted time and I even spent MORE than that.

This is a learning experience. You know - You win some, and You definitely will lose some...But the important thing is that I keep trying.

I have to remind myself, over and over again, That I did nothing wrong. Sometimes you cannot satisfy everyone. Even if you do bust your ass to clean house at a cheaper rate than every other cleaner in the county.

Kara's Cleaning
All clean done green!

dream on.

good morning.

it's another one of them things, what-a-we call 'em - "days".

it's another one of them days. i was peacefully sleeping off in my protective bubble that we label as "dreaming" when i was awoken to begin my day. how is it that we are forced to wake up BEFORE the sun?

i refuse to have a bad day today. only minutes from now i must wake up the busy toddler - guide him in the correct direction, chug my "good morning" tea and inhale something that should be considered a healthy meal. then i must get into my automobile, after explaining to the toddler that it's okay... "we're going bubeye, it's gonna be okay, we can do this when we get there", drive myself to my destination and continue on-ward from there.

good morning world.

i was happier dreaming.
however, this is where i have to stop myself.
dreaming is fantasy, THIS, is reality.

dream on.

come one, come all.

the greatest gift i've been granted -motherhood.
the only strength that i truly have - believing.
understanding that you live to change - relieving.