my penance <3

The Beginning

Nothing can prepare me. Nothing can prepare me, no matter what I do to prepare myself, I know, That nothing can prepare me. This was my mantra the entire day before arriving at Saint Josephs Peace Abbey in Spencer Massachusetts. I have been there a few times, "back in the day" I guess you could say, and it has always been a special place to me. There is something about the vast meadows, rolling hillsides and amazing architecture that just seems to always hit home.

Years ago when I made my first significant journey there I had an amazing experience that I deem as a time in my life that "began my spiritual journey". I didn't know that what I was looking for was God and I sure didn't expect that I would ever find him, or that it would take me what seems now, like lifetimes. I always confused myself with everyone else's opinion about what God is, Or who he is, Or what he has or has not done for them and I never stopped and listened to myself.

Back on that special night we that we had went.  A group of us.  We arrived like tired marching ants that go in numbers accept by automobile. We journied to  to the chapel on a cold fall evening to bestow ourselves upon the observence of the Trappists Monks. Public is welcome to their everyday ceremonies, however, they remain seperated by the Church building itself. If you're lucky enough you can catch a good sight of them while your visiting the Chapel...but it's hardly ever that you get to see any kind of action.

Feeling sorry for yourself is nothing but an excuse..

Feeling sorry for yourself never got you anywhere.

I'm such a believer. I always believe that no matter how hard it is, or what bills you have to pay.. everything will works itself out. However, there's moments where I just want to feel bad. Why is it that we do this? Why do we question things? It's just like the post before this one.. It's all black and white, it's easy, right?

They are never there for me. My parents have always been omit from my life. My mother was never the one to send me off to school with a smile and yell at me only because I forgot my lunch. She wasn't there for the birthday parties, or the coming of age discussions. My father isn't there for me now. He doesn't call. Weeks on end will pass and there will be no number or message from him on the caller ID.

Alone. I just feel alone sometimes and it makes me anxious. My knee is bouncing a thousand miles an hour right now just in attempt to give myself some sort of comfort. My thoughts are jumbled and I'm not too sure how this is going to come out - But I put the pressure on myself that it has to be perfect.

LET IT GO. Let it all go. I've done tougher things in my life then live without my parents. I've surrived a best friend dying in high school, I left my home state and moved to another with family I didn't even know, and I've gave birth to a beautiful 9 pound baby. I can do this.

I can do this. I just need to let it go. It's my path in life to be alone without the company of my parents. I'm not the only one. I guess I was blessed to have them for the moments they were there, and the moments they weren't because in everything, we grow.

Now comes acceptance.